Hey Everyone,
So it has officially been a week since I've been back here in Vienna. I do miss traveling and I do hope to resume those days some day soon and maybe meet up with Addy.
Its been okay here so far to be honest. I mean I went past the accident scene where Zara was killed, today it will mark the seventh year that she has been gone... I miss her, but I know she is okay now. I'll always remember her, she will stay in the lock box I keep in my memory. I found peace within those dark memories. It feels good to walk around this small town now, I feel safe.
The other thing I was telling you about, the thing with Wesley...well I went to go talk to him yesterday and he was really surprised to see me because he wasn't informed that I was coming home. He is still doing well even though Chloe in the end, wasn't the one for him. She had bigger dreams and went off to fulfil them. Good for her I thought, I hope she finds what she is looking for and I hope she isn't running away from things that she thought she couldn't handle. Wesley apologized for that letter and the things he had said in the letter, I guess he knows now that it was wrong of him. It's okay, I just didn't think it was appropriate or fair for him to confess such a thing. Love is powerful and overused in my opinion. People just throw the word around like one would throw a Frisbee, passing it to along to the next person who is open or distraught enough to not see how damaging love can become. Why can't we just be patient and wait for such a person to enter our lives? It's not impossible to do that...I guess it's just a hard thing to do, forcing your mind to go against what it feels. Well, then again if our minds where thinking correctly,we wouldn't be put in that position to chose. Would you go along with your mind or with your feelings? It's defiantly hard to answer sometimes...
The truth is... Wesley is one of the reasons I left. I have always loved Wesley. There was always something about him--something strange--ever since we were kids I've noticed. When he told me he found someone to confide in...I was broken. I was here, I was always here waiting, thinking maybe one day he will come and we can figure the rest out together. The day he did come, I was in such a bad place and I really didn't want to talk to him, let alone anyone else. When he told me the news I guess that was the last straw, the last thin piece of string that was ready to break away, and that it did. I broke away, I left this place thinking I'd find something special, what that was I don't know exactly. I did find that traveling is so healthy and necessary in life...it really allowed me to see the world as a whole, and see how many people there are. There isn't just the town that you live in, there is so much more beyond that, so many places that are waiting to be discovered. This in some sense helped me because I was able to see past what happened and stop focusing on just Zara and Wesley. To finish my story though... I am not dating Wesley right now or anything we are friends. After all of that I just thought it would be wrong to be with him. The feelings are still there, well for me they are at least. I don't know...maybe one day it will happen, but for now I decided to attend college close to Charlottesville Virgina. I'm not leaving to continue my journey anytime soon, but when I do expect to hear back from me. I'm sure my life will have been through quite some changes by that time, and my traveling will mean a lot more since I wouldn't be running away. Thank you guys so much for just giving me hope and I wish you all a great spring.
We will talk soon again, trust me,
-Aria
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Monday, November 4, 2013
Wednesday Night
Wednesday night:
I checked into a hotel somewhere in Jacksonville, FL. It was 9:02 PM and I looked over at the side table, my phone was ringing. It was Wesley. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to sit there with the quiet. I didn't even know what I was feeling.I felt non-existent. I ran away from everything. I didn't want to deal with Zara's death or Wesley's Fiance, I needed an escape. My thoughts were interrupted by the phone, and again it was him. So finally I answered. He sounded so worried, but why? It's not like my leaving would affect him in any way. After all of the interrogating questions and the numerous amounts of statements ending in why? his voice changed. He sounded sad. I told him I was tired, but he asked me if I read the letter. What letter was he talking about I though...He said he slipped a letter into my purse when he got together that one day. I guess I just didn't realize. Well I looked in my purse and there was the letter, tucked down below my wallet, a little crippled because of the pressure on top of it. He was waiting on the phone for me to read it, I wished he would just leave me alone. I opened the letter and there lied the words,
Dear Aria,
I am sorry that I have been absent for so long.
I am sorry that I stopped talking to you and that I just left you alone.
There's something I've been meaning to tell you, after all these years I just never wanted to believe it we were best friends and just with Zara dying it really sent me down. Aria I have been so depressed for such a long time and I met this girl, Chloe. When we met, I was able to be happy again, she is the light in the tunnel I've been looking for. Well I would really love it if you would come to the wedding Aria, you have no idea how much it would mean to me to have you there. I understand if you can't come... I really honestly do, but if you can just please. I think it would do us some good if we had a few more conversations, a few more last memories until we break apart again and spiral out in completely different directions, like we always do. I really hope you know how much I miss you, over all of these years I always wondered how you where. I mostly came back home to see you--we were so close for so many years and there was so much I needed to tell you. I obviously can't tell you now. I may never be able to say some things I just really need you right now Ar. I don't know if this wedding is the right thing to do at this time. I have so many thoughts in my head that won't go away. Feelings that have never left me. I can't keep them in any longer Aria, I--I just can't. Please, at least try and make it home before the wedding.
- Wesley
PS: This may be putting you in a difficult situation, but... I am head over heals in love with you, Aria. I always have been, always will be.
Why now? I presumed to ask not only Wesley, but also myself. Well that conversation ended in a fight. He was engaged and he confessed his love for another person. No, it wasn't just a person... it was me! how could he have done that? How could he think that it was okay to tell me something...well something that crazy when he was about to be married. All I could think of is how hurt Chloe would feel. Wesley can't be in love with two people, it's not possible to love someone fully if you thinking about someone else at the same time. This is wrong. He knows he is wrong, I don't understand.
Well that was the last conversation I've had with Wesley, I didn't go home for his wedding, it would've been right. I don't even know if he married Chloe, I haven't talked to him in months. He is home though, I know this because...well I told my mom I was coming home and so she's going to pick me up at the airport. I feel so anxious...the feeling of doubt won't leave me alone. I feel restless my mind will not sleep, it keeps running laps around the routine I plan on fulfilling once I get home, to Vienna.
Okay so I've waiting here at the airport for about ten minutes, but my mom called to say she was here. I can't wait to hug her.
Wish me luck guys, I'll tell you how it goes back here.
- Aria
Friday, November 1, 2013
Part two
Hey Everyone,
So I just wanted to tell you the next part to this story and a little more.
So Zara and I were great friends, but there we were also friends with this boy, Wesley. Wesley is such an amazing friend. We were always friends, but then I met Zara and we just all seemed to click. It was great having those two. After Zara's death though, Wesley fell into this sort of...sadness. It wasn't depression, it was like the harsh reality of the world crashed into him and he did not take it well. He started to hate everything. I mean everything. He missed so much school because he believed that school didn't matter. He started to not show up at work and when his boss called him, he'd answer saying he was sorry, but something popped up. I don't know... something happened to him, but he wouldn't talk. He barley talked to me as it was. For months after Zara died, he didn't even talk to me. I thought that he thought I was the reason she died. He called me one night and just pored out everything that was in his head, I guess he just really needed to explode that night. He never did that again though, he just began to drift away from me. I hated him for that...he acted like he was the only one affected by Zara's death. For a long while I had no one to talk to. I was alone most of the time after Zara, part of that was my fault because it wasn't like I tried to get together with anyone, but they didn't try to get together with me either. I was alone. I was a joke and I had to deal with it.
One day I woke up and went out on the front porch, the sun felt so warm that morning. There was a note on my door...it was from Wesley. The note said he wanted to talk to me, apparently he was doing better. This was three years after Zara and he finally wanted to talk with me? It seemed abnormal, but I went. We met at this small coffee shop down the street from my Apartment. When I spotted him, he was staring up at the clear sky, he was different. He looked so...happy. I walked over to him and right when he saw me he hugged me. Fell into me like a body crashes onto it's bed at night to rest. Then after, he apologized. He said he was sorry and that's all he said basically, but we talked for quite some time, Wesley was getting married. He found someone to talk to and to make him happy after all this time.
The next day I packed my things and on Tuesday morning, I left. I just went out on the open road not knowing where I was going to go. I drove all day and nigh and I ended up in Florida on Wednesday. I had a lot of money saved up from working three jobs and so, it was okay to travel.
I'm going to bed guys, sleep well.
-Aria
So I just wanted to tell you the next part to this story and a little more.
So Zara and I were great friends, but there we were also friends with this boy, Wesley. Wesley is such an amazing friend. We were always friends, but then I met Zara and we just all seemed to click. It was great having those two. After Zara's death though, Wesley fell into this sort of...sadness. It wasn't depression, it was like the harsh reality of the world crashed into him and he did not take it well. He started to hate everything. I mean everything. He missed so much school because he believed that school didn't matter. He started to not show up at work and when his boss called him, he'd answer saying he was sorry, but something popped up. I don't know... something happened to him, but he wouldn't talk. He barley talked to me as it was. For months after Zara died, he didn't even talk to me. I thought that he thought I was the reason she died. He called me one night and just pored out everything that was in his head, I guess he just really needed to explode that night. He never did that again though, he just began to drift away from me. I hated him for that...he acted like he was the only one affected by Zara's death. For a long while I had no one to talk to. I was alone most of the time after Zara, part of that was my fault because it wasn't like I tried to get together with anyone, but they didn't try to get together with me either. I was alone. I was a joke and I had to deal with it.
One day I woke up and went out on the front porch, the sun felt so warm that morning. There was a note on my door...it was from Wesley. The note said he wanted to talk to me, apparently he was doing better. This was three years after Zara and he finally wanted to talk with me? It seemed abnormal, but I went. We met at this small coffee shop down the street from my Apartment. When I spotted him, he was staring up at the clear sky, he was different. He looked so...happy. I walked over to him and right when he saw me he hugged me. Fell into me like a body crashes onto it's bed at night to rest. Then after, he apologized. He said he was sorry and that's all he said basically, but we talked for quite some time, Wesley was getting married. He found someone to talk to and to make him happy after all this time.
The next day I packed my things and on Tuesday morning, I left. I just went out on the open road not knowing where I was going to go. I drove all day and nigh and I ended up in Florida on Wednesday. I had a lot of money saved up from working three jobs and so, it was okay to travel.
I'm going to bed guys, sleep well.
-Aria
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Facing the Truth
Hi Guys...
So I have some news that you all may or may not like... THANK YOU ALL so much for voting on the poll...I didnt think anyone would even see that honestly. So despite the higher amount of no votes than yes votes, I had to make a decision. I need to do what is right...I need to fix everything and so to do that I have to go back home. I told Addy to about it and she understood completly. She thought that i was actually being brave for going back home, because there isn't a garuntee that everything is going to end well. Of course I will be okay after I while, I mean it won't be a horrible ending, but I'm feeling a little apprehensive. I appricehaite all of the comments about sticking with my dreams and traveling, you are all really sweet. See the thing is, my dream is to fix what happened back home and by now I suppose everyone is wandering what it was that happened back home...I also suppose that I owe you an answer.
When I was back in Vienna... things were really different for me. I was different. I had this bestfriend named Zara. She was such an amazing person/friend. Last year Zara and I were walking downtown to this local bakery. Right before we got there, I saw this girl I know in one of the other stores so I told Zara to get a head start and I'd meet her at the bakery in a minute. The next part remember too well. I turned around to go into the store...one, two, three seconds...went up to my friend...four, five, six seconds...said Hello...seven, eight, nine, ten seconds...life is over. I turned around and there was Zara's small, cold, body lying motionless against the ground. You know, the weird thing is I can't remember hearing anyone talking. All I remember is running out of the store, my face drenched in sweat and tears, and looking down over Zara. I tried, for YEARS to erase those memories. Trust me when I say, it is better to deal with tragic situations like this one, than to forget them. I though for all those years that it was my fault...if I was just walking with her, maybe the guy would have seen us better when he pulled out onto the street. The guy who hit her was thirty-four and drunk. He didnt notice Zara crossing the street so he pulled out and hit her. The worst part of this whole thing is that this man was a coward. When he heard and saw the limb body of Zara lying on the street, he speeded away. He left her there, in the middle of the street, like a dead animal. No. Even when hitting an amimal, people still stay to help it. Zara was a human though, she still had a chance of life. Her breath vanished when the medics finally arrived. I-- can't stand the thought of going back to that town. Back to the place where Zara's presence lays, still on that cold gravel. If I went back, it would all still be there. The memories from that day are so clear now, I know if I went back they would become real again.
So now that you know that piece of the puzzel, I hope you can immagine how hard it is for me to go back, but how much I need to go back. I need to relive those moments because, well...it's the only way to see past them. I want to know that Zara is okay now, I want to forgive myself for wishing it was me who got hit, I want to appoligize to Zara's family because they lost such an important person. If I can't fulfil these things, I will never be able to move on. I will be stuck.. just like I've been. I am so stuck right now and I have never spoken about it before. I am traveling freely, yet my mind is trapped.
I need to go think for a while and clear my mind...I'll talk about the rest tomorrow or something.
-Aria
So I have some news that you all may or may not like... THANK YOU ALL so much for voting on the poll...I didnt think anyone would even see that honestly. So despite the higher amount of no votes than yes votes, I had to make a decision. I need to do what is right...I need to fix everything and so to do that I have to go back home. I told Addy to about it and she understood completly. She thought that i was actually being brave for going back home, because there isn't a garuntee that everything is going to end well. Of course I will be okay after I while, I mean it won't be a horrible ending, but I'm feeling a little apprehensive. I appricehaite all of the comments about sticking with my dreams and traveling, you are all really sweet. See the thing is, my dream is to fix what happened back home and by now I suppose everyone is wandering what it was that happened back home...I also suppose that I owe you an answer.
When I was back in Vienna... things were really different for me. I was different. I had this bestfriend named Zara. She was such an amazing person/friend. Last year Zara and I were walking downtown to this local bakery. Right before we got there, I saw this girl I know in one of the other stores so I told Zara to get a head start and I'd meet her at the bakery in a minute. The next part remember too well. I turned around to go into the store...one, two, three seconds...went up to my friend...four, five, six seconds...said Hello...seven, eight, nine, ten seconds...life is over. I turned around and there was Zara's small, cold, body lying motionless against the ground. You know, the weird thing is I can't remember hearing anyone talking. All I remember is running out of the store, my face drenched in sweat and tears, and looking down over Zara. I tried, for YEARS to erase those memories. Trust me when I say, it is better to deal with tragic situations like this one, than to forget them. I though for all those years that it was my fault...if I was just walking with her, maybe the guy would have seen us better when he pulled out onto the street. The guy who hit her was thirty-four and drunk. He didnt notice Zara crossing the street so he pulled out and hit her. The worst part of this whole thing is that this man was a coward. When he heard and saw the limb body of Zara lying on the street, he speeded away. He left her there, in the middle of the street, like a dead animal. No. Even when hitting an amimal, people still stay to help it. Zara was a human though, she still had a chance of life. Her breath vanished when the medics finally arrived. I-- can't stand the thought of going back to that town. Back to the place where Zara's presence lays, still on that cold gravel. If I went back, it would all still be there. The memories from that day are so clear now, I know if I went back they would become real again.
So now that you know that piece of the puzzel, I hope you can immagine how hard it is for me to go back, but how much I need to go back. I need to relive those moments because, well...it's the only way to see past them. I want to know that Zara is okay now, I want to forgive myself for wishing it was me who got hit, I want to appoligize to Zara's family because they lost such an important person. If I can't fulfil these things, I will never be able to move on. I will be stuck.. just like I've been. I am so stuck right now and I have never spoken about it before. I am traveling freely, yet my mind is trapped.
I need to go think for a while and clear my mind...I'll talk about the rest tomorrow or something.
-Aria
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Decisions, Oh Decisions
Hello Everyone,
Today I considered the places that everyone voted on for me to go next. You guys are right I should be going to California, but I'm having second thoughts on this whole traveling thing. I met up with Addy today for lunch and we were talking about everything. She told me she didnt understand why I couldnt just face him and everyone else I left behind. I think she understands why I'm traveling so much, i hope she does at least. Addy explained how she tried running from her problems once before, just like me.After a year went by of not talking to her brother Kail, she recieved a phone call from a hospital rep.The woman told her that Kail had gotten into a head on collision with a drunk driver and his chances of life were slim. Addy said she jumped on the first plane to Philadelphia but when she arrived there it was too late, Kail had died. Addy never forgave herself for that or all of the years she spent trying to avoid her bother. Addy said it was that day she learned that nothing lasts forever. Everything that you see in front of you, around you, behind you, it's all going to be gone one day. That day is going to be coming around soon, and when it does she asked me,"will you feel at peace with everyone and evrything?" I honestly cannot answer that question at the moment. I really wish that I could, but my head is so cluttered with theories and assumptions, I dont know how to go back.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Meeting Addy
The other day, I was walking to work when this young lady approched me and commented on my shoes. It happened to be a little bizzare for me, mostly because that had never happened to me before while living in Austrailia. Well the girls name is Addy and she is really, very nice. We exchanged phone numbers and we are actually meeting up after I'm finished work tomorrow and we are meeting up with some of Addy's friends. I am super stoaked that I met Addy when I did because I was really starting to get tiered of not knowing anyone beyond their first name here. I really don't mind being alone, in fact I might like it too much, but it's nice to have some company around sometimes. Addy said she lived in Austrailia her whole life and next Saturday she is celebrating her 20th Birthday, which she openly invited me to come celebrate with her. I may go, but then again I'm not too fimilair with anyone there, but we will see....
Please comment below and tell me if you would go!
I love you guys, talk to you soon...
Aria
Please comment below and tell me if you would go!
I love you guys, talk to you soon...
Aria
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Rocky Road
Hey!
I hope all of you guys are doing well this afternoon! Comment below your thoughts on today if you wish.Here in Australia it's a bit gloomy out and I don't know if it's the gloomy weather or just a recurring thought, but recently it's been creeping around my mind. With all the traveling I've been doing lately it's hard to hide what's underneath the surface of my skin, boiling. Everything is starting to surface and it's worrying me. I'm starting to miss...some of the things that aren't with me on this journey. I know that soon I am going to slip out of reach of what once was. I don't know if i can deal with that, I'm starting to re-think why I started this journey to begin with. I thought I could distance myself for a while and get away from everything, giving myself space to breathe and think. Maybe I'm on this journey because I'm running away from something I couldn't deal with...I don't know. All I know is that I am far away from everything and everyone. Too far away to make things right at least... I'm not sure what I need to do to fix this, I need to keep moving right now though. Maybe I will think of what to do this week. Maybe I'm just totally over thinking this, thanks for always letting me vent to you guys!
Your the BEST!
With much love from Australia,
Aria
I hope all of you guys are doing well this afternoon! Comment below your thoughts on today if you wish.Here in Australia it's a bit gloomy out and I don't know if it's the gloomy weather or just a recurring thought, but recently it's been creeping around my mind. With all the traveling I've been doing lately it's hard to hide what's underneath the surface of my skin, boiling. Everything is starting to surface and it's worrying me. I'm starting to miss...some of the things that aren't with me on this journey. I know that soon I am going to slip out of reach of what once was. I don't know if i can deal with that, I'm starting to re-think why I started this journey to begin with. I thought I could distance myself for a while and get away from everything, giving myself space to breathe and think. Maybe I'm on this journey because I'm running away from something I couldn't deal with...I don't know. All I know is that I am far away from everything and everyone. Too far away to make things right at least... I'm not sure what I need to do to fix this, I need to keep moving right now though. Maybe I will think of what to do this week. Maybe I'm just totally over thinking this, thanks for always letting me vent to you guys!
Your the BEST!
With much love from Australia,
Aria
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