Lost but Living

   Hey Everyone, 

So it has officially been a week since I've been back here in Vienna. I do miss traveling and I do hope to resume those days some day soon and maybe meet up with Addy. 

Its been okay here so far to be honest. I mean I went past the accident scene where Zara was killed, today it will mark the seventh year that she has been gone... I miss her, but I know she is okay now. I'll always remember her, she will stay in the lock box I keep in my memory. I found peace within those dark memories. It feels good to walk around this small town now, I feel safe.

   The other thing I was telling you about, the thing with Wesley...well I went to go talk to him yesterday and he was really surprised to see me because he wasn't informed that I was coming home. He is still doing well even though Chloe in the end, wasn't the one for him. She had bigger dreams and went off to fulfil them. Good for her I thought, I hope she finds what she is looking for and I hope she isn't running away from things that she thought she couldn't handle. Wesley apologized for that letter and the things he had said in the letter, I guess he knows now that it was wrong of him. It's okay, I just didn't think it was appropriate or fair for him to confess such a thing. Love is powerful and overused in my opinion. People just throw the word around like one would throw a Frisbee, passing it to along to the next person who is open or distraught enough to not see how damaging love can become. Why can't we just be patient and wait for such a person to enter our lives? It's not impossible to do that...I guess it's just a hard thing to do, forcing your mind to go against what it feels. Well, then again if our minds where thinking correctly,we wouldn't be put in that position to chose. Would you go along with your mind or with your feelings? It's defiantly hard to answer sometimes...

    The truth is... Wesley is one of the reasons I left. I have always loved Wesley. There was always something about him--something strange--ever since we were kids I've noticed. When he told me he found someone to confide in...I was broken. I was here, I was always here waiting, thinking maybe one day he will come and we can figure the rest out together. The day he did come, I was in such a bad place and I really didn't want to talk to him, let alone anyone else. When he told me the news I guess that was the last straw, the last thin piece of string that was ready to break away, and that it did. I broke away, I left this place thinking I'd find something special, what that was I don't know exactly. I did find that traveling is so healthy and necessary in life...it really allowed me to see the world as a whole, and see how many people there are. There isn't just the town that you live in, there is so much more beyond that, so many places that are waiting to be discovered. This in some sense helped me because I was able to see past what happened and stop focusing on just Zara and Wesley. To finish my story though... I am not dating Wesley right now or anything we are friends. After all of that I just thought it would be wrong to be with him. The feelings are still there, well for me they are at least. I don't know...maybe one day it will happen, but for now I decided to attend college close to Charlottesville Virgina. I'm not leaving to continue my journey anytime soon, but when I do expect to hear back from me. I'm sure my life will have been through quite some changes by that time, and my traveling will mean a lot more since I wouldn't be running away. Thank you guys so much for just giving me hope and I wish you all a great spring.
We will talk soon again, trust me,

-Aria

Wednesday Night

   Wednesday night:

I checked into a hotel somewhere in Jacksonville, FL. It was 9:02 PM and I looked over at the side table, my phone was ringing. It was Wesley. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to sit there with the quiet. I didn't even know what I was feeling.I felt non-existent. I ran away from everything. I didn't want to deal with Zara's death or Wesley's Fiance, I needed an escape. My thoughts were interrupted by the phone, and again it was him. So finally I answered. He sounded so worried, but why? It's not like my leaving would affect him in any way. After all of the interrogating questions and the numerous amounts of statements ending in why? his voice changed. He sounded sad. I told him I was tired, but he asked me if I read the letter. What letter was he talking about I though...He said he slipped a letter into my purse when he got together that one day. I guess I just didn't realize. Well I looked in my purse and there was the letter, tucked down below my wallet, a little crippled because of the pressure on top of it. He was waiting on the phone for me to read it, I wished he would just leave me alone. I opened the letter and there lied the words,

Dear Aria, 

    I am sorry that I have been absent for so long. 
    I am sorry that I stopped talking to you and that I just left you alone. 

There's something I've been meaning to tell you, after all these years I just never wanted to believe it we were best friends and just with Zara dying it really sent me down. Aria I have been so depressed for such a long time and I met this girl, Chloe. When we met, I was able to be happy again, she is the light in the tunnel I've been looking for. Well I would really love it if you would come to the wedding Aria, you have no idea how much it would mean to me to have you there. I understand if you can't come... I really honestly do, but if you can just please. I think it would do us some good if we had a few more conversations, a few more last memories until we break apart again and spiral out in completely different directions, like we always do. I really hope you know how much I miss you, over all of these years I always wondered how you where. I mostly came back home to see you--we were so close for so many years and there was so much I needed to tell you. I obviously can't tell you now. I may never be able to say some things I just really need you right now Ar. I don't know if this wedding is the right thing to do at this time. I have so many thoughts in my head that won't go away. Feelings that have never left me. I can't keep them in any longer Aria, I--I just can't. Please, at least try and make it home before the wedding. 


- Wesley

PS: This may be putting you in a difficult situation, but... I am head over heals in love with you, Aria. I always have been, always will be. 


    Why now? I presumed to ask not only Wesley, but also myself. Well that conversation ended in a fight. He was engaged and he confessed his love for another person. No, it wasn't just a person... it was me! how could he have done that? How could he think that it was okay to tell me something...well something that crazy when he was about to be married. All I could think of is how hurt Chloe would feel. Wesley can't be in love with two people, it's not possible to love someone fully if you thinking about someone else at the same time. This is wrong. He knows he is wrong, I don't understand.

Well that was the last conversation I've had with Wesley, I didn't go home for his wedding, it would've been right. I don't even know if he married Chloe, I haven't talked to him in months. He is home though, I know this because...well I told my mom I was coming home and so she's going to pick me up at the airport. I feel so anxious...the feeling of doubt won't leave me alone. I feel restless my mind will not sleep, it keeps running laps around the routine I plan on fulfilling once I get home, to Vienna. 

Okay so I've waiting here at the airport for about ten minutes, but my mom called to say she was here. I can't wait to hug her. 

Wish me luck guys, I'll tell you how it goes back here.

- Aria

Part two

Hey Everyone,

So I just wanted to tell you the next part to this story and a little more. 

So Zara and I were great friends, but there we were also friends with this boy, Wesley. Wesley is such an amazing friend. We were always friends, but then I met Zara and we just all seemed to click. It was great having those two. After Zara's death though, Wesley fell into this sort of...sadness. It wasn't depression, it was like the harsh reality of the world crashed into him and he did not take it well. He started to hate everything. I mean everything. He missed so much school because he believed that school didn't matter. He started to not show up at work and when his boss called him, he'd answer saying he was sorry, but something popped up. I don't know... something happened to him, but he wouldn't talk. He barley talked to me as it was. For months after Zara died, he didn't even talk to me. I thought that he thought I was the reason she died. He called me one night and just pored out everything that was in his head, I guess he just really needed to explode that night. He never did that again though, he just began to drift away from me. I hated him for that...he acted like he was the only one affected by Zara's death. For a long while I had no one to talk to. I was alone most of the time after Zara, part of that was my fault because it wasn't like I tried to get together with anyone, but they didn't try to get together with me either. I was alone. I was a joke and I had to deal with it.

    One day I woke up and went out on the front porch, the sun felt so warm that morning. There was a note on my door...it was from Wesley. The note said he wanted to talk to me, apparently he was doing better. This was three years after Zara and he finally wanted to talk with me? It seemed abnormal, but I went. We met at this small coffee shop down the street from my Apartment. When I spotted him, he was staring up at the clear sky, he was different. He looked so...happy. I walked over to him and right when he saw me he hugged me. Fell into me like a body crashes onto it's bed at night to rest. Then after, he apologized. He said he was sorry and that's all he said basically, but we talked for quite some time, Wesley was getting married. He found someone to talk to and to make him happy after all this time. 
   
   The next day I packed my things and on Tuesday morning, I left. I just went out on the open road not knowing where I was going to go. I drove all day and nigh and I ended up in Florida on Wednesday. I had a lot of money saved up from working three jobs and so, it was okay to travel. 

I'm going to bed guys, sleep well.

-Aria